A life well-lived
A dear friend of mine passed away last night. I am still coming to terms with it.
Michele was more than a friend to me. I was there with her when she made her decision to present full time as the woman she always knew herself to be. I was there with her when she and her spouse of 25 years decided to divorce because of that decision. I was there with her as she got her first job as a female. I was there when she told me that she could see her future – as a bright, shining light for the transsexual community, helping others to learn about this segment of the population, so often misunderstood.
This was in 2004. Soon after that, we went our separate ways, and I mostly only heard about her from mutual friends who told me about some of the things she was doing. You can read more about some of that here.
In April of this year, I heard that she was diagnosed with cancer, and I followed her on Facebook as she underwent treatments for it. I knew her as a fighter, so I had high hopes that she would beat this thing. She had a big birthday party in July, which I attended, and I got to see her again. We hugged, we danced, and we knew that our connection was strong and sure, even though our lives had gone in new directions. But I knew then that she had been physically weakened. Her spirit and spunk were as strong as ever, but the flesh was not. Even through her illness, though, she still looked radiantly beautiful.
Happy Birthday, Michele
In the past few weeks, her health had been deteriorating and I knew it was a matter of time, so I wasn’t completely surprised when I heard that she had been admitted to hospice last Friday, although I still found it heartbreaking. And last night, she left this world for something bigger, I’m sure.
It all seems so unfair to me. This woman was a leader, a mover, a shaker, a woman of action. She had gone through so many challenges to live the life she had dreamed of all of her life, and she was still going strong at the moment of her death. She deserved better. She deserved more. And yet, now that she’s gone, I can truly see that she had a life well lived. And I can only hope that this, too, is part of a bigger plan to which I am not yet privy.
I am so grateful to have been a major part of her life for awhile. I am so grateful and proud of all that she has done. She is a true inspiration to all of us to go for what we believe in with everything in us.
So please, go out today and make it matter…. for Michele, for the world, but even more so, for yourself, so that when your time comes, you can say it was a life well-lived.
Blessings upon you, Michele. You will always be in my heart.
Dancing
Have you ever noticed that, if you have an intention, and you take some action towards achieving it, the Universe will help you?
I find that this happens all of the time! For example, I decided I needed to do more networking, so I went to a networking meeting. A couple of weeks later, I got a call from some people to join a holistic practitioner directory called N’Shama. This opens me to an incredible field of opportunity, that continues to grow daily! Last week, because of N’Shama, I was invited to the Arizona Holistic Chamber of Commerce lunch meeting, and I met some great people – some of whom have already called me to coach them, and some with whom I can form some great business alliances. This weekend, I will be attending a Holistic Health Fair as a member of N’Shama, and while there, I will be able to promote my own coaching business. All of this because I took some steps to do some more networking.
My theory is that when you dance for the Universe, the Universe meets you half way and dances with you too.
Do you want to dance?
Hollywood
This past weekend, I attended Michael Bernoff’s Core Strength Experience – a workshop I can highly recommend. We went through so much information and so many experiences, all I can say is WOW!
I’ve been working off and on with Michael since April of this year. Most of his work is done by teleconference, which is actually quite effective. We commit to the time, but we can attend from the comfort of our own home (or as is often the case for me, the back of the comic book store). He also records the calls so we can listen to them again. Often we can pick up more from the second (or third) time around. I like his style, so I was really looking forward to working with him in person.
During the weekend, I had the good fortune to be partnered with a man from Texas. On the first night, we were to spend some time finding our accountability partners by interviewing several people. Well, he had shared something about his background that seemed to resonate with mine, so I approached him first. And we agreed pretty quickly that we would be good for each other. We then went on to interview others, just to make sure, although he confided in me that he didn’t really want to go talk to others.
After our additional interviews, we decided to partner up. So, all weekend, he was the one I would go to with my discoveries, my breakthroughs, my tears, etc., and vice versa. It was really great having one person to share with in that way. We didn’t have the same goals. We didn’t have the same visions, and yet, we could be there for each other.
Well, at one point during the weekend, Mike talked about some of the roles we play in life, and somehow, this mild-mannered guy found his wild side, and earned himself the nickname “Hollywood” for the rest of the weekend. I really enjoyed watching his antics as he strutted his stuff. But what totally amazed me was watching how people responded to him so very differently! He became the life of the party! On Saturday night, he had eight invitations from people to come and sit with them at dinner – including our presenter! He was totally flattered and somewhat surprised by all of the attention. All he had done was to tweak his persona.
I, on the other hand, did NOT strut my stuff, although there have been times in my life when I have. I gave the weekend my all, but I didn’t feel called to be that wild thing that I know is inside of me. In fact, as I write this, I realize that I haven’t been that wild thing in quite awhile.
Perhaps it’s time I find my own inner wild starlet again and bring her out to play.
Judge not….
A mentor of mine was recently involved in a rather gruesome experience at a Sedona sweat lodge.
I have been refraining from commenting on the whole incident because I am awaiting more TRUE information, and not that which is being promulgated by the media and those who think they know what they are talking about. I have GREAT respect for the man. I cannot even begin to expound on how very much I have gotten from him and his programs.
He is NOT some Jim Jones look-a-like at all! And he has been doing the EXACT same sweat lodge for at least 7 years, with no such incident, which leads me to believe that something else happened. And I aim to wait to find out what that was before passing any kind of judgement at all on the situation.
I have done many, many sweats. MY understanding of the sweat lodge is that it is supposed to be a rebirthing experience – the participants are entering into the womb of the earth mother to be born anew.
I have done sweats with at least 50 people in a sweat lodge. I have done sweats that lasted for 2 hours. I have done sweats that were incredibly hot. And yes, sometimes it was almost too hot to bear, but we were taught how to deal with that – by being close to the earth, by grounding ourselves, by lying down. And if we still felt we needed to leave, we could leave.
I KNOW people who were at that training! I know people who were in that sweat lodge! He was absolutely NOT holding people in the sweat lodge as is being implied by some of the reports. I know a person who did leave after an hour and I am waiting to hear exactly what did happen from that person – a first hand account!
In any case, people are quick to offer opinions about something they hear about from other, sometimes unreliable sources, but I would really encourage that we all just wait and find out what really happened. That’s what I am doing.
Many blessings to all of those involved in this unexpected turn of events. May love prevail. And may we all learn what we need to learn from this.
Life is a Mirror
This past week, my solar hot water heater broke, flooding four rooms in my home.
Catastrophe or blessing?
One of the qualities about the house that I love is that care has been taken to make it quite sustainable. The solar hot water system was one of the qualities of which I was most proud. However, the estimate to replace it isn’t a good choice for us at this time for several reasons. For now, we will be installing a regular electric water heater, but in the future, as technology improves, I may actually install several solar options.
The four rooms were already badly in need of reorganization and renovation. They were the only rooms in the house that I hadn’t renovated when I first bought the house, and they were a constant reminder that I still had something to deal with. But it was very easy for me to pretend they didn’t exist, as we mostly used the rooms only for storage and it was my intention to turn two of the rooms into a garage “someday.”
Some very valuable items were stored in those rooms. My partner’s grandfather was a collector of antiques and several inherited pieces were damaged in the flood. There were also a number of books – some of them older and quite valuable, and some of them more sentimental in value. Some of the damaged items included original artwork done by my partner, and notebooks full of research information. Those are the heartbreakers. There can be no real value put on those items, and the loss of them weighs heavily.
Home insurance covers loss due to flooding such as this, so we have had adjusters, disaster recovery teams, and restoration and storage crews swarming our home. It’s been quite a week! In addition, we were without hot water over the weekend, so we stayed in a nearby hotel and ate most of our meals in restaurants. Luckily, insurance covers reasonable costs due to being without hot water. We made it into an unexpected getaway adventure and enjoyed our time together in a new setting.
We will, of course, be reimbursed for many of our losses, and insurance will be bringing in a crew to fix the damaged floors and walls. And we are now forced to sort through and organize everything when it is returned from dry storage, rather than putting it off for “someday.”
I could look at this as a stressful time and get caught up in the unfairness of it all, or I can see all of the benefits derived from this experience – most especially a situation that is leading me more rapidly to fulfilling my intentions for that space.
To add an interesting facet to the whole situation, lately I have been doing some very significant and deep work on taking my life to the next level. I have been aligning myself more clearly with my highest values and committing to expanding my consciousness as well as my circle of influence so that I can live out my purpose for being on this planet more fully. I am so very excited about the work I am doing and where I am going. I feel as though I have cleaned up years of emotional clutter and limiting beliefs in one fell swoop as I charge forward into the bright future ahead of me.
Hm. Could there possibly be a metaphor here?
September Song
September has always been one of my favorite months. Growing up in New England, I always rejoiced in watching the leaves turn color. Although I know it’s the end of a cycle when the leaves are dying, it is also the beginning of the next cycle of life, as they fall to the ground to fertilize the earth for new growth in the spring. And how the leaves show off their brilliance in the fall – their last hurrah of the year.
September also marks the beginning of most school years, and I always loved that nervous excitement of the first day of school; new classes, new faces, a whole new adventure ahead of me.
This September feels like that to me – a time of nervous excitement as I begin to grow this incarnation of my work. I have just planned out this semester’s offerings. I am beginning a writer’s group this coming Friday. We will be meeting once a month which is plenty of time to actually work on a piece of writing to share at our next meeting. I will also encourage that we stay in touch via a group forum which will be set up to encourage each other.
I am also beginning a book club geared specifically to reading wealth-building material. Reading these books helps to keep us in that expansive mindset which will lead us to greater success, however we choose to define success.
I have finally scheduled my next Shamanic Gold workshop – a workshop utilizing gentle trance-inducing techniques and guided imagery to help people find the areas in their lives where wealth has been hidden, those rich parts of themselves that have been stifled, cut off, obscured; and reclaiming them into ourselves.
And lastly, a series of classes that first came to me over ten years ago, I will offer this fall. I call the series, Wild Creativity, and we will be working with different media to explore our own unique creativity. This class is designed to open us up to the creative spark within us all, so that we can lead richer, fuller, more satisfying lives.
Work on my book continues. My goal is to have it finished by Spring Equinox, so that gives me a half year.
Think BIGGER
Personal growth is never done. There is always more to do. I used to think that I could clear all of the stuff from my past and be done, and someday I would be 100% perfect. What I have found, however, is that the more work I do, the more I uncover that there is to do. I have a theory about this.
Consciousness is ever-expanding, so there is always more to learn and more to create. With every creation, there are new factors of information to consider, and growth happens as we expand to encompass all of the new information. We may think we have something all figured out, and then someone throws a monkey wrench into our theories.
I remember during an esoteric meditation course I was doing that we were instructed to visualize a room with a table in the middle. That was all of the information that was given. I proceeded to visualize a rustic cabin – log walls, a table made out of wood, a large fireplace. It served me for six months worth of meditation, and then they introduced a description of the floor of the room, and a description of the top of the table. And all of a sudden, my “world view” of my little cabin room was completely destroyed. I had to re-build the image I was holding in order to continue with the work.
This was a great lesson in keeping an open mind and letting in new information.
How many times do we limit ourselves by our thinking? How many times do we visualize a small cabin room instead of a large hall in a grand castle?
I challenge all of us to think bigger; focus your attention on the stars and you are sure to achieve more than you would if you are only looking a few feet ahead.
How much love can one heart hold?
Thirty-five years ago today I met the father of my children.
We met at UMass/Boston. A friend of mine had taken me up to the pool hall on campus, and when I walked in, Bob is the one who greeted me. He left the game he was playing with his friends to play a game of 8-ball with me. I don’t know when my friend left. From the moment Bob and I met, our attention for each other never waivered. We spent the afternoon together shooting pool, and going to the campus bookstore, where I discovered he was in my English class. We talked about yoga and astrology and aspects of spirituality. And then we went back to his family’s house in Quincy for a bit. While there, he played some music – I remember he played My Favorite Things by John Coltrane, and Don’t Let Me Be Lonely Tonight by James Taylor. He gave me some chocolate pudding and a book on how to meditate. Then he drove me home to Stoughton. My mom invited him in for dinner. She had made stuffed cabbage. After we ate, we played frisbee and soon after, he went home. The next morning, I wrote in my journal that I met the man I am going to marry. How could I have known???
I still love the man.
For various reasons, we decided to separate in January 1990, and we finally divorced in May 1991, after a 14 year marriage. We still loved each other, but recognized that our lives were going in different directions.
Since then, I have fallen in love a few times with people who have transformed my life in major ways, and I have loved many others. After several relationships spanning over a decade, as well as times alone, I have been with my current partner for almost five years. I love my current partner very much, and I know I am loved in return. However, I have not stopped loving any of my former loves. In fact, when I truly love someone, I never stop loving them, no matter what.
This morning, I was remembering a definition of love that I heard many years ago. Paraphrased, Pia Mellody said that true love is feeling unconditional positive regard for someone despite their shortcomings. That’s exactly how I feel about my past and present loves. I feel a total acceptance of who they are, and I feel happy for their happiness.
And it’s not limited to lovers. I love so very many friends, and folks I met over the years, not to mention my family, especially my sons.
I have these little spaces in my heart reserved for this one or that one – my favorite memories of our times together and of my love for them. Some of those spaces are bigger than others, to be sure, but that shows how much I value that particular love, or maybe how much value I got from that person. I was realizing that there is no end to all of the spaces. I never run out of room at all. It’s infinite.
How much love can one heart hold?
I believe the answer is always….. more.
Love is all around
Have you ever noticed that even an abused dog will wag its tail when given attention? Or a cat, even if it is nervous, will purr when patted? How many humans respond to love so readily, even after they have been put down, shut down, and made to feel worthless? What is it that animals know that we humans don’t always remember?
My sense is that animals are instinctively connected with the Universe but humans tend to forget that connection when confronted with challenging emotional situations.
I was recently working with someone who was in such a challenging situation. She had fallen in love with someone who did not apparently return her affections. We took a long look at this, and after much questioning and reassurances, she finally came to the conclusion that it wasn’t because she was unworthy of being loved. She had been holding a sense of unworthiness for years because of the rejection she felt from this particular “love of her life.”
Upon further examination, she realized that it mattered so much to her because, for most of her life, she had felt rejected by her own father. She had given this parent all of her love, all of the love she was capable of giving, and trusted him with all of her heart, and he had callously pushed her away. Unfortunately, all of this had happened before she was fully conscious enough to realize what was happening, so she grew up with the belief that she was unworthy of love. Even when logically she knew that she should feel worthy, her emotions still responded as though she was not. She had created several patterns in her relationships where she would attract partners who would not give her the same loving attention she gave them, and if they were loving towards her, she would find them unworthy, thus constantly “proving” her unworthiness.
In an unexpected twist, she discovered that all of those other partners whom she had loved so well, all had grown and transformed because of her love of them. For the first time, she felt proud of the choices she had made, rather than ashamed that she had attracted yet another bad relationship. She realized that she had been led down a path to benefit others, and in turn, she had received what she needed to grow more solidly into her best self. Once she realized this, she began to purr again. I look forward to her future, and where this new-found knowledge will take her.
In another situation, a young man I have been working with has believed for most of his life that he wasn’t good at anything, that he screwed up everything he touched. Recently, after confronting some of the issues from his past, he had been placed in a situation where he had to assume a high level of responsibility, and as he performed better than his peers, I watched as he slowly gained confidence in his ability. He is still building his confidence, but he is much more apt to go for opportunities than to think himself inadequate these days.
The best part is that these kinds of transformations happen due to one ingredient – love. As they learn that they are, indeed, worthy of love, they can once again get in touch with that connection to the Universe and recognize that love is all around and that they have plenty to give to others.
WHOLISTIC PROSPERITY 